Because I said so

Here’s a simple thought for you to ponder as you parent this weekend – how often, as a kid, did you hear “because I said so”, and how often does your child hear that from you or within the institutions that look after them?

I am really trying to unpack the ways this shows up in mine and my children’s lives, but it is so deeply engrained that it is far from easy. It is easier with Cosmo because I have arrived to parent him in a much more conscious time of my life. I wasn’t there with Oscar, so the work is naturally more complicated. The conversations and work are also more complexed because he’s influenced more widely than Cosmo is. Hierarchical mindset naturally manifests in school and I find it really difficult to equip him with the courage to stand up for himself and also to reconcile that with my own responsibility of choosing to put him in a system that I know doesn’t always do the same.

Why is it so important? Well, remember when you asked me how I teach my children about consent and autonomy? It links back to that. When those in a position of authority use that power to deem an explanation of their own behaviour unnecessary, it disempowers our children and leaves them feeling unworthy of the truth. It undermines their emotions and lived experiences, and it creates a submissive dynamic with authority that mean our children subconsciously equate success and validation with compliance. That’s effective in factories, but I’m not sure it’s compatible with a life free of pleasing others at the expense of one’s self.

The bigger impact is that as our children grow in this system, their inherent belief is that when they are older/bigger than someone, they can experience power and control via the same means – without having to take responsibility for their behaviour.

Again, I know it’s overwhelming and potentially triggering, so just start slowly. This weekend, if your child is pushing for an explanation, see what happens if you keep the conversation going. You can communicate your boundaries whilst giving them more space in the interaction, and you may even get the opportunity to model what getting it wrong looks like. And that’s pretty special, you know? 

For more support and encouragement on your parenting journey, why not check out our positive affirmation cards specifically designed for parents to help you retain a sense of clarity during the days of ups and downs.